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Week 13

NEW YEAR’S EVE đź…´

The velvety wine swirling on my glass,
The confetti falling upon us like raindrops,
Few minutes left for the clock to strike twelve
And I stare at my empty inbox…
Everyone around me is happy, high, or drunk,
And I, sinking, like shipwrecks.
I’m sad that you’re not here,
I’m sad that the wine’s not affecting my senses.

And I’m a bit jealous of the others
Because they aren’t sad,
Because they aren’t wondering about
What you’re doing at this moment.
My friends are wishing me a happy new year
And I am wishing that you were here…
My friend puts her arms around my shoulder
And asks me to cheer.

How can I when you’re not even here?
I wish I could have asked you how you’re doing
Instead of wondering it.
I wish I could have known whether you’re happy
Instead of hoping for it.
I wish I could have seen your smile
Instead of picturing it.
Oh! To live in a beautiful, beautiful world
Where you know my name is a dream…
But
I
Dream
Too
much.

Do you think I don’t know
That I’ll never be good enough for you?
Do you think I don’t know
That you’ll never care for this love if you knew?
Do you fucking think I don’t know
That you’ll crush my heart once I tell you own it now?
I know!
I know!
I have known it all along somehow,
Since the moment I first saw you…

I know I’ll never be pretty enough for you,
I’ll never stand out to you.
And I know you’ll hate me
When you’ll know how I feel about you…
And I know you won’t forgive me
When you’ll know the things I’m doing
To get you out of my messed up head…
But I won’t blame you,
In return of my love you are free to hate me
Because
It
Was
Fucked up
To
Begin
With!

And yet
For you
I try one more time.
And yet
For you
I discard my self-preservation for the hundredth time.
And yet
For you
I swallow my pride for the thousandth time,
Because I take out my phone,
Despite knowing you won’t even bother to respond,
I type “happy new year”
And send it to you,
And patiently wait for you to trample my heart
With your goddamn nonchalance.

– B.